Twas the night before kickoff
and in Santas's workshop
and in Santas's workshop
Old Santa was cursing
at his tiny laptop.
at his tiny laptop.
When from the door,
there came such a rumble,
you would have thought that
Steve Slaton had fumbled
you would have thought that
Steve Slaton had fumbled
In burst Mr. Jingle,
Santa's Head Elf
who blustered like Jon Gruden,
in spite of himself
"Santa come quick!"
"Rudolph's not well!"
"The veterinarian just told me,
it's a torn ACL!"
Just then Santa's visage
became like that of Bill Cowher
His cheeks got more rosy
and his grimace quite sour.
"Not now Jingle!" he bellowed,
"Can't you see I'm quite tied up?"
"I'm trying to figure out
my fantasy lineups!"
"But Santa!" said Jingle,
you've been busy for WEEKS!"
"You've been in here so long
you're really starting to reek!"
"Have some cookies!" begged the elf
"Or you'll lose all that girth!"
"If you get any thinner,
you'll be Cris Collinsworth!"
"I'm in twelve leagues!" bellowed Santa
"And most of my teams stink!"
"But I know I can fix this,
I've just got to think!"
"Rudolph's not well!"
"The veterinarian just told me,
it's a torn ACL!"
Just then Santa's visage
became like that of Bill Cowher
His cheeks got more rosy
and his grimace quite sour.
"Not now Jingle!" he bellowed,
"Can't you see I'm quite tied up?"
"I'm trying to figure out
my fantasy lineups!"
"But Santa!" said Jingle,
you've been busy for WEEKS!"
"You've been in here so long
you're really starting to reek!"
"Have some cookies!" begged the elf
"Or you'll lose all that girth!"
"If you get any thinner,
you'll be Cris Collinsworth!"
"I'm in twelve leagues!" bellowed Santa
"And most of my teams stink!"
"But I know I can fix this,
I've just got to think!"
"I drafted Matt Forte six times,
and he's been a huge dud!"
"But of course most of the experts
thought he'd be a big stud!"
"Detroit's Calvin Johnson,
should have had a big year!"
"But instead he's been as useless
as a three legged reindeer!"
"Eddie Royal of the Broncos,
was to be my PPR giant!"
But like Cleveland's run defense,
he's been most unreliant!"
"I had Ronnie Brown,
and he started out buff!"
Oh why didn't I grab
Ricky Williams to handcuff?
"I traded Thomas Jones to the Easter Bunny,
for Kerry Collins and Westbrook!"
"One got a concussion,
the other ...the hook."
"MJD has shined brightly,
like a big Christmas tree!"
"But wow, did he screw me,
when he took that darn knee!!"
"Oh Santa." whined Jingle
"Must you be controversial?"
"We've got more problems out there,
than Peyton Manning has commercials!"
"Speaking of Peyton Manning,"
said Saint Nick with a stutter,
"I should have drafted HIM,
instead of that bozo Jay Cutler!"
"And doggonit I knew it,
Miles Austin was a sleeper!"
"But I lost out on the waivers,
to the friggin Grim Reaper!"
"Mark Sanchez looked promising,
interceptions aside.."
"Just wish when I grabbed him,
he had learned how to SLIDE!!"
Jingle sighed in frustration,
then made a loud cackle,
he rushed and hit Santa,
with a horse collar tackle!
"Please Santa!" begged Jingle
"Just listen to me!"
"You'll make the playoffs!
I promise, you'll see!!"
"But we need you out there,
it's time for THE trip!"
"Like Ditka might say,
dude, get a grip!!"
Santa slowly got up,
then started to laugh ,
"You're right Jingle!" he said,
"Can't miss the first half!!"
"The sleigh's ready!" said Jingle.
"And I'll get your labtop."
"You can keep track of the scores,
and you won't have to stop!"
So Santa got dressed,
in his suit of bright red..
while visions of championships
danced in his head.
And as he departed the Pole,
he cried a mighty "HO HO HO!"
"Merry Christmas to all!"
"GO OCHOCINCO!!!!"
By Chris Carwile
December 2009
__________________________________
IFFL UPDATE
With a 63-38 victory over the Pennsylvania Pimpdaddies, combined with a Green Bay Dynasty loss, I have clinched a playoff spot and will have the opportunity to possibly repeat as IFFL Champion. Even though the Dynasty and Buckeye Wrecking Crew are both only two games behind me with two games remaining, they face each other in the final week of the regualr season, so there is no way they both can catch me.
| Glory Division | W | L | PS |
| Miami Waves | 10 | 2 | 805 |
| Green Bay Dynasty | 8 | 4 | 753 |
| Buckeye Wrecking Crew | 8 | 4 | 708 |
| West Virginia Dolphins | 7 | 5 | 718 |
| Pennsylvania PimpDaddies | 5 | 7 | 772 |
The remaining playoff spot is still up for grabs between the Green Bay Dynasty, Buckeye Wrecking Crew, and the West Virginia Dolphins. The Dolphins and Dynasty play each other this week while the Wrecking Crew faces my Miami Waves. While I won't spill any tears if I lose this game, I'm not going to lay down for the BWC, whose lineup will include Aaron Rodgers, Ryan Grant, Greg Jennings, Jeremy Maclin, and Steve Smith (NYG). My lineup this week:
| TMQB | Cincinnati (Carson Palmer) | vs. Detroit |
| RB | Chris Johnson (Tenn) | @ Indianapolis |
| WR | Laurence Maroney (NE) | @ Miami |
| WR | Mike Sims-Walker (Jac) | vs. Houston |
| WR | Randy Moss (NE) | @ Miami |
| WR | Chad Ochocinco (Cin) | vs. Detroit |
| PK | Ryan Longwell (Minn) | @ Arizona |
| DST | Denver Broncos | @ Kansas City |
With DeSean Jackson unlikely to play this week, I'm inserting a second RB. Maroney seems the best start, but I'm mulling LeSean McCoy as well and could make a last minute switch.
In two of my other leagues I'm having sucess as well. In the FFTwitter League (Yahoo!) I'm 9-3 and have clinched a playoff spot, while in the Fanatics 16 Man Brawl League I am 8-4 and on the cusp of making the playoffs. Need to win this week to get in though.
